Sunday, June 3, 2012

Dahlia Imperialis~Bell Tree Dahlia

What flower blooming at the end of fall and early winter here in our garden?
Tree Dahlia.
It is facing our kitchen window and such a pleasure to look at during gloomy weather. 
We have mild winter weather which this plant can tolerate.
This year this plants has grown taller and more stems after I pruned it hard early spring.
Some are 3 metres tall.
Our tree dahlia plant caught some disease last end summer with blackish leaves.
I chopped off the parts that were affected.
It grow more stems and recover really quick during the shorter daylight hours.
Bees really adore the tree dahlia bloom.
There are bees constantly around the tree dahlia plant blooming season.
Most of the tree dahlia bloom photo collections that I took has bees on them.
Tree dahlia sometime needs some support.
Some are leaning on our garden arch or other plant support trellis.
At the moment, the plant has block off the garden arch entrance.
I have a small hand, this is how big the tree dahlia bloom is.
The mauve bloom has kind of help me not going over the edge this few weeks.
It has been not easy writing a post not because of time-management.

But my mind is in chaos, I could not focus on anything and have horrible thoughts running on my mind. 2~3 weeks ago, one raining night while everyone sleeping I ran out from the house. I can't control my mind and I was shivering outside not due to the cold because I was very scared that I can't block the strong suicidal thoughts. I was so lost and called the mental health emergencies for professional help. The mental health community team came in immediately early next day and organise everything to help me get through the mental depression I have. Yes, I have been suffering mental depression not weeks for months by myself as professional help said and now it got worse that I start to suffer regular panic anxiety attack as well. So, some event had been a trigger, I broke down mentally and physically after long term stress.  It has been lonely battling the stress and depression alone by myself and sad not even your own family realise the emotional stress going inside me. If I tried to voice aloud my feelings or stress, I will only be reprimanded to stop acting childishly and try to be more mature which ended keeping everything bottle up inside. Otherwise, I usually will just be totally ignored or my family runaway from me when I desperately needed help with the children. I finally exhausted myself trying to please and take care of everybody being the perfect daughter, perfect daughter in-law, perfect wife, perfect sister and perfect student. I gave up fulfilling that expectation, no matter how much I put in, I will constantly be criticise by my parents and my in-laws blame me for what ever happened to my kids and husband anyway.
Sigh, life is so funny, never in my dream I would imagine myself sitting with psychiatrists trying to get my thoughts sorted out. I have been told several times that one of the reason is I lack family emotional support. I have been trying taking lots of responsibilities and taking care of everyone which makes me burn out from discussion with mental staff.
I thank all my blog readers for your support and kind comments.
It has helped me a lot getting myself sorted out and giving some of my self-confidence back.
I still have a long way to go for recovery.
I have not been able to go to school or study for more than a month now as it triggers the panic anxiety attack. I can't decide what to do at the moment. My body can't move held by fear and I am mentally exhausted. This time I let strangers giving me a helping hand which lead me the way I can go back to my sanity when family just turn blind eye towards me.
Sorry for a very depressing story, was just trying to open up and be honest.

32 comments:

Mark Willis said...

Oh you poor thing, Diana! I had no idea that you were in such a position. If I lived nearby I would try to help you. Talking about your trouble can sometimes be therapeutic. Maybe you can still find some comfort in your gardening hobby, so I urge you not to give in, but to be strong. Think of all the good things in life (surely your garden with all its lovely flowers and vegetables must be one of these?).

Thinking nice thoughts for you...

Stephanie said...

You made the right decision... to ask for help :-) And your dahlia is commendable also. How pretty! Keep up the good work. Btw, that carnation you pointed out in my blog earlier... yes you recognised your garden's 'offspring'! Thanks again for sharing the seeds. I think that the cooler temperature last month has helped the plant to bloom. Thanks again for sharing the seeds!

Phoebe said...

Oh Diana! You are such a very strong woman to be so open and honest. I hope that your garden helps you and that you get the support that will help lift you up and make you truly happy. It will take time but it will happen and you deserve it! You are an amazing woman and I admire your strength.
Sending you love and support.
X Phoebe

Sue@G.L. Allotments said...

I think this is something that we are all just a hair's breadth away from Diana - it just needs something to trip the fine balance. It's far far more common than you think.

That dahlias is beautiful by the way.

Cat-from-Sydney said...

Ooh...MKG.... (((((HUGS))))) wish I could be there for you. My Mama was depressed when she was all alone in Sydney....then she got me and Brad.....blogging helps a lot too. Talk to us if you need anything, anything at all. purrr...meow!

Sunray Gardens said...

The Dahlia is really beautiful. You take care of yourself! Things do get better.

Cher Sunray Gardens

hernyhafiz ^_^ said...

diana, please take a good care dear.. i know you can get better... its okay to tell us... i hope all the best for you friend :)

Daphne said...

I'm glad you are getting help. I had to twist my son's arm to see a therapist. He really needed help that I couldn't give him. Or at last he wouldn't accept it from me. But things are really looking up for him. I hope you get the help you need too.

kumittyi said...

Thank you for sharing some picture- postcard photos to us.
Your Tree Dahlia flowers are really fantastic.
You take care of yourself.I believe Things DO get better.

kitsapFG said...

I am so happy for you that you have sought and obtained trained help to assist you in coping and getting through this. The issues are real, the dangers are real, and your life is precious and beautiful. I can easily see how you could become more depressed and anxious having to be so many things to so many people and not able to share openly your turmoil and emotions.

I hope your journey home to a better emotional place is as smooth as it can be and that you find good alternatives to family for support - because we all need that from time to time.

DANI said...

Diana, it's so hard sometimes ... life is not easy, but we can't give up ... I am thinking of you, my dear !
Wish I could do more ...

AnywhereEden said...

It is very hard to keep it together some days. Just remember you aren't alone in feeling this way. My garden, especially the flowers, helps pick me up when the depression gets bad too.

mat jon said...

Everybody got their own dark stories. Like me as a first born son and the only gentlemen in the family its really pain in the a**. I'm a muslim, even though not a good one just keep faith, 'kebahagiaan' come with a price. I have a daughter, i dont want her growing up heart broken. Its always back to basic. Give yourself solely to Allah S.W.T. and you will find peace.

Mama Pongkey said...

Hugzzz dear Diana, I had no idea you were going through such a tough time. I went through something similar a few years ago, and yes when I tried to voice out my feelings all I got was that my suicidal thoughts are wrong. Maybe one day I will tell you all about it if you want to know. In the end, Allah saved me, and He is still saving me. You are right in getting help, even if it is from strangers, it is okay, because getting help is the first step to recovery. I only realised much much later that I was having depression and wished I sought help earlier. I am happy you are telling people about it too, I kept my feelings pretty much bottled up and it didn't help. You are a strong, capable woman indeed to be upfront about it. Do take pleasure in your beautiful and bountiful garden, they are all making zikir for you. Please email and PM me if you need to talk and let it out. I'll keep you in my prayers xxxoooxxx.

TK said...

Diana you take care...jgn stresskan diri ok. Buat mana yg termampu..apa2 jgn simpan sorang2...let it out. My doa 4 u always dear

Liz said...

Diana, I really feel for you, anxiety can be so debilitating and unpredictable but I'm really glad that you are getting some support. I hope that it continues to help. Fabulous dahlia.

jetsetterjess said...

I am so sorry you have been going through such a hard time. I can relate as I have been very anxious and also depressed the last year or so and dealing with a partner who is depressed too. I understand the anxiety attacks thinking about study -- it's the deadlines and the structure of most study and I used to love that but now feels like it's suffocating. It's not great when those around you don't help. What I have found is that everybody has their problems and don't want to share it with anyone and don't want to know about other people's problems. So just talking it out even to strangers can be the key. Sometimes it's better having someone outside of the situation and getting their perspective. You are a strong lady and made the right decision calling for help. I hope you do get the assistance you need and can come through this soon. We're rooting for you! Jess xo PS. Nice tree dahlias, I got a cutting/cane free with some pot plants I bought and gave it to my parents. They patiently waited until it grew and now have a 2m high plant with many flowers. They're lovely <3

Bom said...

That was a very big first step you took calling in health professionals to help you. Realizing you need the help at all is a very important milestone towards healing. I'm deeply saddened by the lack of support from your family. Spouse and family are supposed to be factors that support healing. Maybe they will come around in the future. Hopefully sooner. I think race and religion can sometimes make it difficult to admit or to realized when something is wrong and that may or may not be a factor in your case. Unfortunately, sometimes those that need understanding the most have to understand others as well. On the bright side you have your sons and your gardening to look forward to. Be well my friend and know that you have me and the rest of your blogger friends should you need someone to talk to.

Kate said...

I think you're very brave for sharing such a personal story. Many people will identify with you and not feel so alone. From following your blog for a few months I can see that you are a very lively, thoughtful, and curious person with a huge sense of wonder in nature. Cling to your garden in bad times. It's such a source of peace.

cookingvarieties said...

hi diana, you mauve dahlias are soooo beautiful, so many blloms. i have never seen this variety. the blooms really show how expert you are in taking care of your plants- i gather you are such a compassionate lady.
You deserve a great life..
I guess gardening is therapeutic for you, go ahead with this most loved hobby of yours. It will add peaceful elements to your mind.
When in deep stress, always be with your baby diana, think of him, it may slow down your hyper suicidal thoughts.. he needs you all the time..
You are not alone, sometimes there are some people who expect a lot, just because you are very obliging to them, so its you who have to control this. Dont be too obliging to a point where it will hurt you mentally.
take good care of yourself, i overcome my major tensions by reading quranic verses, amazingly this is the only solution for me- as such, no matter how big my problem is, it wont stress me up at all..it's really amazing..you try this. have a nice day.

UmmiRosma said...

Lovely dahlias....I love your garden...

Regards from Brunei :D

Following your garden blog..

shaz said...

Oh Diana, I haven't been reading blogs for a while and just found this post of yours. So sorry to hear what you have been through/ are going through. I am so glad you called for help from the professionals. Hopefully you are getting the care you need during this tough time. Please take care and sending lots of warm thoughts your way.

James Missier said...

Take one step at a time.
Depression is really a killer.
Don't get stress get into you.

Pamper yourself with nature.
Go to seaside, beaches..
or by the riverside and dip your feet and enjoy the calmness of the serenity.
Or go for a candlelight dinner with a loved one.
Sip chocolate drink by the moonlight or enjoy a glass of wine with a foambath and rose petals.

Slow down and take one step at a time.
And when you feel a little stronger and refreshed - anchor it with a memory on it.
Capture that moment and live on it until you get another one.
And when you feel good inside.
Smile and tell everyone how good and enjoyable it is..
The joy of sharing it will spark more joy.
Take care - remember what you are going thru is just temporary..

Jay said...

Wow. I am so sorry for all that you have gone through. I have heard it said that a bow that is always sprung will quickly lose its spring. I hope the best for you and hope that you will continue to find joy in your garden!

lena said...

sorry to hear that you're going thru this pain. Am glad that you are seeking help from the professionals, i hope you can take things easily. Your dahlias and all of your flowers are beautiful, go enjoy your garden and dont stress yourself.

kitchen flavours said...

Hi Diana, I'm so sorry to hear about what you are going thru. You made a good decision asking for help. Sometimes the loved ones are the last ones to notice what is happening. Please do take care, hope everything works out fine for you! Hugs from tanahair!

Malay-Kadazan girl said...

Mark~Looking at the garden does make the mind calm sometime. Its a very cold week here in our place. Thank you Mark.

Stephanie~I am so happy seeing that the carnation bloom in your garden. Yeah it can grow very tall and sometime need staking or support.

Phoebe~I am very glad and relief now that I finally found the courage to seek for help. It was not easy to admit to myself that I really need help to sort out my problems.

Sue~You are right, it is much more common. Sadly, not many realise how serious mental depression can be.

Cat-from-Sydney~Thank you so much for your support. It feels much better after I release what is in my chest. I am just a normal woman with problems.

Cher~I hope I gradually get better and be my usual self again.

~Gardener on Sherlock Street said...

[Hug}
I'm so glad you are getting some help.
You obviously get a lot of happiness from the garden. Sharing such a beautiful tree with your story seems to say you're finding good which is awesome.
Take care.
[Hug]

Sean L said...

The tree dahlia blooms are lovely, like a shower of blooms from the sky. It is good that you are sharing how you feel with people. Be strong. I have already learnt not to try and please everyone, gets very tiring.

Malay-Kadazan girl said...

HernyHafiz~Thank you very much dear.

Daphne~I hope your son doing well and much better now. It is more harder to convince man to seek help maybe.

Kumittyi~I am happy you like the photos.

KitsapFG~At the moment, It has been discussed by therapist to have some space for myself away from family matters until I completed my study. I have to be a little bit selfish in these few coming months that I will probably have to burden the family to care for my sons while I try to complete my study.

Dani~Yeah, I am still young and I have lots of things I want to do ;-). I have not travel to your part of the world yet which is one of my dream.

AnywhereEden~Gardening is a really good therapy. I am glad that I started our garden some few backs and now it shows me the beauty of life.

Mat Jon~Both of us husband and wife are first child. So we really understand in our culture how heavy the burden we carry as first child. The expectation as role model to other siblings and sometime you are like a substitute parents as well.

Mama Pongkey~Yes, it always came back as people saying that suicidal thoughts are wrong. But if people dear to us ask why you are having these suicidal thoughts, I don't know the answer myself, I don't understand what is going on. Its very confusing at the moment having these thoughts, no matter how strong-minded people think I am, I don't know. Just trying to close out the thought takes enormous effort. It is something that we have to experience it our own to be able to understand what other people who has strong suicidal thoughts has to go through. Its very physically and mentally tiring to fight the suicidal thought.

TK~Terima kasih sekarang ni fikir buat apa yang termampu je, prioritise yang mana kena buat dulu je, multitasking is definitely a no at the moment.

Liz~I did not realise a lot of things that is happening to me until the mental health said it to my face. The signs of serious mental depression was strongly there> I thought I can recover by myself instead it got worse and almost broke down completely. I was struggling alone which makes matter worse.It took a lot of power to convince myself to call for help and dial that helpline number before I seriously hurt myself.

Malay-Kadazan girl said...

Jetsetterjess~After some session with psychiatrist I can speak more freely and open up honestly now to find the roots of the problem and help me to recover. I found talking to strangers are much easier now.I did not realised that I was experiencing anxiety attack until the emergency mental heath came in early next morning. Thank you for sharing your experience with me and your support.
Currently, I am to practise 'Mindfullness'. Its not an easy thing for me to get used of 'Mindfullness' since my mind easily wonder and not able to focus what happening or enjoying the present moment.

Bom~Yes it was a big step to ask for help with the not good thing of a prideful person that I am ;-). Being raise in the traditional thinking of Malaysia/ASEAN culture can be tough in certain aspect.It can be smothering or makes you suffocate to follow some customs. For example, parents marriage blessing is so important because there is a saying that you are not only married to the man but with the family too. I am for an Asian woman is one of the lucky ones, where husbands treat their wife with respect and have equal status.

Kate~I used to be so happy and full of energy waking up in the morning and find that it is a sunny day before I had the depression because I can go out and spend time in the garden with the kids. But these few weeks , I am so less motivated even gardening can't attract me out of bed.I have been contemplating whether I should be frank with what I am going through for weeks. But I am glad that I did.Hugs.

Cookingvarieties~Gardening for me starts as a therapy for getting over the shock of having a baby with cardiac defects when I was pregnant with Rayyan. Now when the garden has somehow established by itself, it is helping me to get some fresh air instead of staying coop in the house to clear my mind. When I think of suicidal thoughts, the thoughts of my sons prevents me for doing it. You are correct I have been so obliging that I sometime put my needs asides and keep on taking more responsibilities when I have enough on my plates already.

UmmiRosma~I am happy you like our garden.

Shaz~Thanks dear, Professional helps has been good at trying to aid me to sorts out many things.

Malay-Kadazan girl said...

James Missier~ Terima kasih. I need to take a break and have some space of my own at the moment. Its been so hectic that I forgot how to simply enjoy the moment.

Jay~ I am starting to make a routine sitting outside in the morning in the sun to help lift the mood.

Lena~I feel very awkward at the moment trying to not do many things perday. Not setting any plan or task. Just concentrating the present moment, enjoying the meal without any thought of planning or thinking other things. Its not that I have been doing a lot of things lately, mainly sitting and trying to breath properly since I feel tired all the time. But the sense of guilt not doing anything because you are so used to accomplished so many task perday is hard to let go. But I am practising to enjoy the moment and have a rest.

Joyce~Yeah it has been taken for granted by the family because I always look very strong on the outside. It always has been expected as a first child to be very dependent since I was in sekolah rendah.

~Gardener on Sherlock Street~The garden definitely gives a lot of happiness and calms the mind.Hugs.

Sean L~Yeah very tiring to please everyone.